I spend too much time on livejournal to actually keep this blog up to date, but apparently remember that I have it at odd hours of the early morning.

I've been contemplating my life and it's near possible paths. I want to teach. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. In reality, I want to read every possibly book that I can, I want to take pictures of beaches and skies and my friends and my family (sometimes), I want to continue writing pointless stories that I never get around to finishing, and I want to continue to write poor attempts at poetry. Oh, and get paid doing so.

I'm settling on teaching.

Problem is, I am late into my college career and so far behind, taking 6 classes a semester, that it is not even funny. And I have little ambition to right myself. I want to drop the secondary education program and get my masters and PhD and teach college, but that's right now. Tomorrow I'll want to teach high school. I need to choose one or the other and high schools need people more right now because colleges are cutting back. And a PhD is a shit load of more school and effort and time and work.

I don't think I'm cut out for this 'life' shit. Some days this doesn't even phase me, but other days, like today, I just want to hugs my blankets tightly to my chest and cry myself asleep.

I feel lost.

Back to the God thing. I had an e-mail conversation with Dr. Devlin about this. How people who have turned their backs from God return to Him when they feel low and need him most. (This conversation originated with Dylan.) I've never quite turned my back on Him, but I do reply on Him more and more and that bothers me because I feel as if I can't rely on myself as much as I was once able to. Or rely on my friends as much as I was once able to.

Having classes that challenge both God and Knowledge certainly doesn't help my mindset at the current moment. I was in a better place when I studied Existentialism.

I am fairly positive that Tim calling me early into last semester just to tell me that he didn't love me any more started this spiral into utter dismal confusion. I try to be a happy person. I act the part, I just can't sell myself.

Through this all, I have yet to skip a class. I have done all my assignments (and on time) except for one and I am getting closer to some very incredible individuals who have managed to fill the voids in my life that have recently been created.

Off to finish (start) homework.
Fuckstockings.

/Peace/ Love/ God Bless.

I think that 'fuck' can sum up my weekend. Work could always be better, but over all it wasn't that bad. I got no school work done what so ever. I have felt horrible all weekend and today just brought that to the edge. I'm about 2 minutes shy of giving up on school work and getting the vodka out of my freezer. However, overall, I am a giant pussy and won't. That 6 plus page paper will get done tonight with its 6 plus sources. Along with the 36 observation notes and the 500 word dialog and whatever else is due in my education classes.

At some point.

For now, I am staring at an Amp, listening to Bach, and talking with John, who is sitting on my bed doing the education homework that I should be doing. But he's a math major.


Highlight of my day was about a half hour after getting back to Bridgewater.

My step-father calls me up, telling me that he's been arrested and needed me to bail him out of jail. Just what I needed added onto my day. I'm still not sure what it was for, but I know that he's been driving without a license for a while, so it probably just caught up with him. Anyway- I needed a ride there, and my first thought was Rich, which for reasons I'd rather not get into, did not work out, so I told him that it was figured out and hen proceeded to look through my address book and called Dustin: who wasn't on campus. I nearly broke down talking to him, and I hope that he doesn't plan on asking me later about why I had needed a ride, because I'm not sure that I want to start opening up to him again after what he had said to me last year.

Ryan ended up giving me a ride, which I was grateful for, but I didn't want to ask him. There are few people who know the extent of my home life, and he is not one of them. Dustin knows to the largest extent, and it's only because I can relate with him on a lesser level with how his life has been. I've had it better than he has, but he has the better outlook on life. I miss him being there for me, but people fall apart, and the fact that he had to ask who it was when I called him proves that. However, his words seem to still mean a great amount to me, and I could really use them right now.

I need some one in my life that I can fully open up to, but I'm afraid to be hurt again. Derek really messed with my head. I'm fairly positive that I can relate most of my issues back to him.

I've started to pray again.

Well I'm rambling, and spent far too much time on this than I had planned. I am exhausted and have yet to start my paper. Looks like I'll be getting on that now.

/Peace/ Love/ God Bless

It's 1:23 am and I am just starting a paper on a book that I have not read. It only has to be four pages and I am fairly confident that I can produce a halfway decent paper.

Ignoring that for the moment, I thought I might post, rather than let this blog collect metaphoric dust.

Today, I received what will probably be the most influential letter of my academic career. In my education class we were required to write thank you notes to the teacher of whom we observed. I decided to write a general letter the the entire Marshfield High School history department, and then a personal one to Mr. Centorino. My letter to Mr. Centorino was as follows:

Mr. Centorino,
I feel the need to thank you, above all others, personally for the time and interest that you have given to me since having me as a student during my senior year of high school. It was your teaching style and enthusiasm for your subject that first drew me towards philosophy and I owe you greatly for that. It is not only a subject of interest for me, but also now a major part of my life. It has helped to shape me into the person that I am now, and I know that it will continue to be a large portion of my life in the future, even when I am no longer studying it.
Getting to observe you as a teacher, as opposed to being a student in your classroom, was a large eye opener. You have the greatest classroom presence that I have ever been witness to. If I can command a class in only a fraction of the way in which you can command yours, I will consider myself to be a successful teacher. What I always liked about you as my teacher was how personal and comfortable you were. You were relaxed and spoke to us on an eye to eye level instead of placing yourself on a podium high above us. Students react to a teacher whom they feel comfortable around, and being a part of your class gave me an idea of how I want to treat my own students when I become a teacher myself.
I am grateful for all the time and advice that you have given me since I have started college. It is a great feeling to know that I can talk to someone who has already gone through similar circumstances as myself, and I do not feel that the advice that you have given me has been limited to simply scholastic topics.
Teachers like you make an impact in their student's lives. It is also teachers like you who make their students want to become a teacher themselves. You happen to have done both for me. I thank you for all that you have done for me and I thank you for all that you may do for me in the future.
Sincerely yours,
Tara Cyr

His response was:

I have received but a few letters from former students that have brought me chills. Thank you so much for spending the time to write me this letter. Hearing positive thoughts from former students truly is an inspiration. Things like this brighten my day and help me to re-focus on the main important part of my job: educating kids. In this profession, you can get bogged down with state mandates, ridiculous meetings, public bashing, etc. but when push comes to shove, you have to just close the door and teach.

I've had good days and bad days in the classroom, but I have never regretted choosing this profession. Sometimes I think it chose me! I don't now what else I would do!

Thank you again so so much. If there is anything I can ever help you with, please let me know. I'm confident that your passion for philosophy, history, and education will positively influence your students one day. It is one of the most rewarding professions...and your letter to me is evidence of that fact!

I wish you the best on your finals / papers. Please keep in touch!!

Dominic Centorino

This letter has made me feel that I have quite possibly chosen the correct path in my life. I have always been the type to second guess my self. To wonder if I really am doing what is beneficial to myself. They type to forever over analyze my decisions and to go off on existential dilemmas.

For once in my life I want to be sure of something. Of course, I'm still not, but this response has definitely brightened my day. As I sit here, cross-legged on my bed with Jim Morrison in the background, trying to pull a paper about late 19th century Vienna out of my ass, I feel good. A bit drowsy and still relatively stressed, but good.


Tomorrow, (later today) holds a western civilization lecture on World War 2, a break from where Plato and Aristotle typically resides and then a World War 2 class. From there I will grab some food, pack, and catch a train to South Station and back to Green Bush. I'll probably get breakfast at my work on Friday.

Home stretch now.

I'm fairly positive that this semester could not end soon enough.

/Peace/ Love/ God Bless

I have about fifteen minutes before my daily Jeopardy watching, so I thought that I would start an actual post.

My day was just slightly beneath being busy. Apparently my first class was canceled, which I should have known, only I had skipped the previous class. It's Learning and Motivation, which is the second education class that BSC offers and it is only taught by Dr. ZuWallack, who is a fine person, but not a great teacher- which is odd, considering that he teaches students how to teach. The entire class is based on group work and apart from the very first class, he has not lectured. We work in the library and he walks around us, making sure that we are there, and that's it.

Seeing as it was canceled, I went by Tillinghast to find out when Dr. Fortunato had office hours, so see that she did when I was there, but in Boyden. I was able to register for classes as an honors student, so I wanted to make sure that this didn't fuck me over as I'm not actually an honors student anymore. It doesn't, but she recommends that I do something to make myself stand out from other students who will be applying to high schools.

After meeting with her I had to rush across campus to get to my Introduction to Teaching class, which I also despise. We're taught as if we are in elementary school, which some of my classmates enjoy, but it makes me hate the class. It also makes me not want to continue on in Education, which would probably be a horrible mistake.

Philosophy club afterwards, though. And that's always a good time. We're not completely structured as I thought we might be with an actual adviser, but Dr. Devlin is about the same as all of us with keeping to topics. It's nice though, to have an adviser who is actually involved in the club, because when Dr. Skoble was our adviser, we never saw him. Apparently he used to run the Blackboard site for the club. On books I'm treasurer, but I don't actually do anything as we're not yet an actual SGA recognized club. We didn't have specific topics today and talked about justification of war,Unitarian Universalism and...I can't actually remember. Some touching on the philosophy of science after last week's colloquium and the classes that we signed up for.

Lastly I had Canadian history with Dr. Holman. It was a seminar style today about African Americans in Canada and how they were viewed by Canadians and how they viewed Canadians. It was actually interesting. I'll be taking the second half of his course in the Spring, which should be nice because I really like Dr. Holman. He's one of those teachers who is always excited about the subjects that he teaches and actually makes you want to be in class. He's they type of teacher that I have always liked. A complete dork. A bit boring subject matter at times, but he tries to make it interesting.

So now Jeopardy is over, and I should be reading for a book report I have to do for Dr. Holman. I have yet to reach an interesting part of the book, so chances are I will give up shortly and come back to my computer.

That's it for now.

/Peace/ Love/ God Bless

Pointless Introduction

LiveJournal holds far too many old and unwanted posts for me, so a new blog may be a nice start. Although, seeing as I have several internet friends who for some asinine reason follow my ramblings, I'll continue to post my more meaningless events and thoughts in my life there. I may make an actual post later tonight, if I remember.