I spend too much time on livejournal to actually keep this blog up to date, but apparently remember that I have it at odd hours of the early morning.

I've been contemplating my life and it's near possible paths. I want to teach. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. In reality, I want to read every possibly book that I can, I want to take pictures of beaches and skies and my friends and my family (sometimes), I want to continue writing pointless stories that I never get around to finishing, and I want to continue to write poor attempts at poetry. Oh, and get paid doing so.

I'm settling on teaching.

Problem is, I am late into my college career and so far behind, taking 6 classes a semester, that it is not even funny. And I have little ambition to right myself. I want to drop the secondary education program and get my masters and PhD and teach college, but that's right now. Tomorrow I'll want to teach high school. I need to choose one or the other and high schools need people more right now because colleges are cutting back. And a PhD is a shit load of more school and effort and time and work.

I don't think I'm cut out for this 'life' shit. Some days this doesn't even phase me, but other days, like today, I just want to hugs my blankets tightly to my chest and cry myself asleep.

I feel lost.

Back to the God thing. I had an e-mail conversation with Dr. Devlin about this. How people who have turned their backs from God return to Him when they feel low and need him most. (This conversation originated with Dylan.) I've never quite turned my back on Him, but I do reply on Him more and more and that bothers me because I feel as if I can't rely on myself as much as I was once able to. Or rely on my friends as much as I was once able to.

Having classes that challenge both God and Knowledge certainly doesn't help my mindset at the current moment. I was in a better place when I studied Existentialism.

I am fairly positive that Tim calling me early into last semester just to tell me that he didn't love me any more started this spiral into utter dismal confusion. I try to be a happy person. I act the part, I just can't sell myself.

Through this all, I have yet to skip a class. I have done all my assignments (and on time) except for one and I am getting closer to some very incredible individuals who have managed to fill the voids in my life that have recently been created.

Off to finish (start) homework.
Fuckstockings.

/Peace/ Love/ God Bless.